The Initiation
Something shifted last night, something big. An awareness was gifted to me by God that lifted me from my struggle. For that I am grateful. The message came to me in the form of a lovely woman who was present at the Red Tent. She shared her heart and her story. It had a divine quality to it, something I have experienced, but somehow gotten away from. There was a freedom in her, a lightness that is Truth. Although her story was heavy, filled with grief and sorrow, she was light. She held an inner state I have been agonizing to return to, she was rooted in Love. Some may say that this is an awareness that only comes with age, but I don’t believe that to be true. I believe it comes from being initiated into it.
Most of my life I had been grateful for my trauma and chose not to be a victim, almost to a fault. About three years ago I began a healing journey which opened up my heart in a way similar to Pandora’s Box. What was brought up and out would never be returned to its original state. Most of the past three years of my life have been an awakening to myself, to the Love I hold within, but not recently. For the last six months, it has seemed like a replay of a movie I’ve seen a thousand times, and even though I know the ending is beautiful I am choosing to rewind the opening chapters growing more and more angry with how the writer wrote it. As if by rewatching it, I can figure out how to get out of the loop, but in reality all I have to do is sit back and allow the movie to finish. It has felt heavy, like a narcissistic self examination, obsessing over every detail of my life that may have caused a “pattern” or an unconscious mechanism. It has been exhausting, constantly looking for a reason I am acting the way I am or analyzing my behavior. I also have had a sense inwardly that I have been heading in the wrong direction, back on the ego band wagon, but unsure of how to redirect course.
In the beginning of the healing journey, we need to give ourselves space to feel like the victim because for the most part, the child in us was at some point. But if a child came to you sharing a feeling or experience, you wouldn’t for the rest of their life tell them they are a victim. You’d listen with love for a few moments, let them express, and remind them that it's okay, it's over and it's time to choose love. It is no one’s fault the world of mental health sends a message that we have to spend every second for the rest of our lives picking ourselves apart-the ego will hide wherever it can, and a moldy slice will spoil an entire loaf of bread. The essence of healing work is beautiful and is representative of the journey of awakening to God within ourselves, but as soon as it becomes another outlet of self obsession we have made a wrong turn. We are here to think less of ourselves and more of others. We need self care only to be able to share our medicine. We undergo a healing journey to navigate the darkness we hold inside and love it, so we can help others love and accept that in themselves.
Our trauma is not our story. Healing it is a small blip on the radar of our life that allows us to serve with Love. Trauma is our initiation into this, a ceremony facilitated by God. I guarantee if you truly look back, during the most traumatic experience of your life, God was there in some way, baptizing you. You were not alone.
I’ll give you an example-in a birth chart, aspects deeply connected to psychism or that hold gifted healing abilities can also be read as some of the most traumatic experiences a Soul can undergo. For example, Moon conjunct Pluto can signify have an almost insidious relationship with your maternal figure, one filled with unconscious power dynamics, death, control, rage, grief, and a trauma at an early age that made you feel unworthy of love from the one person in the world who is meant to love you no matter what, creating on of the deepest senses of self rejection and unsafety that there can be. This experience with the maternal figure is the initiation into an opportunity to be a healer, to offer a depth of acceptance and wisdom that is almost inaccessible to others. It takes a Soul who is willing to dive into that pain and shadow to be reborn in the true psychic that she is truly meant to be. It births a human whose intuition is so powerful that it triggers a depth of emotion impossible to overlook. As if your body itself is screaming, “This is an insight the collective needs and your how its getting out.” This is an awareness that many seekers and great spiritual teachers beg God for. The first initiation into the ability to hold this depth of emotion was the pain of rejection from the mother. This for the rest of their life could be their victim’s story and keep them in a state of self obsession about how they had it harder than most, which is in fact true. Or this experience could be the catalyst for Love, a Love so pure, so unadulterated that it stretches beyond the constraints of the physical world. A Love birthed in gratitude and longing to give back.
We need experiences to wake us up, to test our depth, to hollow out our vessel of Love. We start out as a rowboat, unable to carry more than ourselves, but through our initiations we expand into an oil rig. Instead of looking at your rowboat and analyzing each imperfection, look to these as gifts and opportunities from the Divine to disassemble it and make it bigger. Think less of yourself and more of others. Take your time that you need in the beginning to allow victimhood to pass through you, it is an inevitable stage of the process, but allow it to be just that, a stage. The healing doesn’t come from that. Healing comes to us through service, though unveiling of the greatest of our Love through the impact it has on others. That is the greatest healing balm there is.
